The State of the Union is like Wrestling, and Other Truths

In all likelihood, you just watched the State of the Union address, and one of three things is happening inside your beautiful mind:

  1. You want to talk about it more with people who share your opinion, -or-
  2. You have no opinion and came to the internet to find one, -or-
  3. You came to argue.

There was a time when the Internet was about sharing knowledge – a virtual encyclopedia, with rooms for people of shared interests – and it was really a hippie attempt at eradicating the ways that people use information to lord over others. Pretty beautiful stuff. The Internet is none of that now. How you even found this article is a wonder.

Also, get off my lawn.

About tonite:

I grew up watching wrestling, and everything I saw was real. I thought guys that got slammed into Undertaker’s casket actually DIED. I thought Yokozuna was actually Japanese, poor sap I was. The day I found out that wrestling wasn’t real was not heartbreaking; it was disgusting. It was like being in a 10 year long French kiss, opening your eyes, and finding a donkey face in your hands.

The State of the Union – or SOTU, for you politicos – was like that for me for a long time. My family sat down and watched it – in many ways it was like Civics 101 for a kid. You learned about democracy and there was a real thrill to feeling like you were hearing something for the first time with the entire country.

As SOTU plays in the background, I’ve already read the full text and TWO Republican rebuttals…pre-buttals? I’ve already read a profile on the man who wrote and rewrote the speech – the one not named Barack Obama – and all of this happened before CNN and Fox News could give me the pregame coverage (which, nothing is more American, for better or worse, than pregame ANYTHING…PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHEN THE ACTUAL GAME STARTS!!!)

Sorry, I’ve digressed…

I feel like Shawn Michaels at the 1997 Survivor Series, scene to the infamous Montreal Screwjob, where things happened, Bret Hart won, and everyone was in on it, except Shawn Michaels. How can something this fake do something this terrible to a real human being?

montreal screwjob

Exactly. The State of the Union is like wrestling. That’s not being cynical. It’s a black man holding a donkey in his face. Perhaps that black man hasn’t slept in a couple days as well, thus exacerbating the sense of annoyed.

 

The other truths are as follows:

  • Boston has the most obnoxious, would-you-go-sit-somewhere fanbase in all of sports. Seattle is #2. They are playing each other in the Super Bowl, which will have a pregame that will last 6 hours. I have no idea when kickoff is, and the networks have agreed to tell no one.
  • Kids can’t wait to be grown so they can drink. Then, they drink terrible stuff, only to find more refined terrible stuff (and pay tons more, TONS) as an adult. I was talking to a kid the other day, and asked what he was looking forward to about college. “You know, being myself, getting away…drinking.” First thing he said. His words, exactly. Some liquor is quite good, but it annoyed me that the first thing he was gonna do with his freedom was drink. It’s like being gifted the most extravagant DiCaprio-esque boat, and crashing it in the dock.

I bet it’s super hard to turn a boat. That’s something I never want to try. Kids, here’s the truth about liquor that adults and like 3 companies that control all beverage distribution DON’T want you to hear.

(*Adults will argue with me in the comments. Kids, never trust someone who has a passionate argument about alcohol, but not civil rights)

Whiskey is like a strip of wood, which you’ve tasted alone before, because you’re gross, soaked in alcohol water. Some whiskeys are called scotches and some bourbons and single malts and people get very snobby about these. None of them are “peaty”: they all taste like various wood soaked alcohol waters, which is an “acquired taste” only because they are cool now. That groan when people drink it is a sign, not of endurance of the American spirit, but of stupidity. There is no flavor to whiskey but WOOD.

Beer is like wheat or barley, but “hops,” which make things gross. The more hops, the more bitter the taste, which, why? Beers with low hops and low calories are called “Light Beers,” which is what they drank in the Middle Ages when the water supply was undrinkable. True story. The point is, the best beer is worst than the worst lemonade. All smart people will attest to this. Adults drink enough to convince themselves they need one. A lemonade next to a beer? NO CONTEST. Not worth it.

Vodka is like Russia. Russia isn’t doing too well right now. Don’t drink vodka.

Tequila is from a plant that’s like Aloe Vera, a plant that, when I was growing up, all black women in Chicago thought was a miracle healing plant. If you cut yourself, they’d cut off this plant, rub it on you, and send you on your way. Tequila is like that, except it sat in the plant for so long that it wanted to die. THEN people said, “let’s make alcohol.” Tequila will make you horny or angry, both of which are naturally occurring emotions.

Wine is just fermented grapes. It’s the one that passive aggressive Christians note that “they drank in the Bible.” You ever had grape juice? Then you’ve had the YOU version of wine. Your father is the WINE version of YOU. Some wines are called “reds” (red grape) or “whites” (white grape) or “moscatos” (smh grape). Wine will have you sounding and looking smart saying a lot of stupid stuff.

Champagne is grapes too, just like wine, except bubbly, and from one part of the world: Champagne, France. Alas, the name. No one EVER wants champagne – it’s an ancient signifier of class, and usually helps point out people I don’t ever want to talk to.

Cognac is like wine too – just grapes – except the grapes gave up. In an angry and bitter fight, the grapes gave up. Hennessey is a cognac – you’ve heard of it. If wine is the juice of the grapes, Henn is the blood. Cognac is grapeblood.

Gin is from juniper berries, and also from Old Britain (jynipper=gin…I made that up, but I bet it’s right). Gin has its own catchphrase: “Gin makes you sin.” It’s true. It also makes your face red, if you’re white (there’s science behind that). If you’re black though, it just makes you punch things.

What have we learned? Politics is serious business but the State of the Union is like the 1997 Survivor Series, and gin’ll make you sin. The truth hurts.

Never grow up kids. Never grow up.